Fatherhood

Fathers Work

2011-10-05T08:05:00-04:00

I’ve launched a new website: FathersWork.com. Its more than a website - it has many resources and tools to help fathers, especially single fathers and divorced dads, be the best parent that they can be. Its not exclusively for fathers though, everyone is welcome!

Its only in beta at the moment, so if you are interested, sign up with your email address.

Dads! Help Your Kids with Homework!

2010-10-05T20:43:17-04:00

This article at CNN by Roland C. Warren is spot-on!

Dads are the ‘Supermen’ students need

He talks about the film, “Waiting for ‘Superman’”, a documentary about America’s public schools, and ties it into the responsibilities of fatherhood.

When I was growing up in a divorced family, I lived with my mother most of the time, but spent a very significant amount of time with my father as well. I can attest that the time and attention he put into helping me with my homework, even personally tutoring me when I hit a hurdle with Calculus in high-school, made a huge difference.

Based on my positive experience, I am definitely going to help my daughter with her homework. If you are a dad and help your child or children with homework, please share some of your ideas and experience here. Thanks!

Equal Rights for Fathers

2010-09-25T01:09:26-04:00

When I experienced a unilateral divorce as the father of an infant, I was absolutely shocked by the way I was treated. After taking care of my daughter every day and night from her birth until she was nearly one year old, her mother was able to take her out of my care without any reason, and put her into a stranger’s care (an eighteen year old nanny from a foreign country) instead.

I was totally disheartened to learn that I was not alone with my story, and that there are many more outrageous injustices happening every day across our country.

Here are just a few websites of fathers who are crying out for justice by sharing their stories about how their children were taken away without cause:

Articles about the injustice to fathers in family court custody disputes:

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/fathersmatter.php

Fathering Websites

2010-09-08T20:38:56-04:00

I’m starting a list of websites run by caring fathers:

Parental Alienation in the News

2010-07-09T08:48:41-04:00

The video in this news report didn’t work for me, but the text is interesting. They mention a divorce camp in Vermont that apparently worked well for the family of divorce mentioned in the report.

http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/WFive/20091106/w5_divorce_091107/

Terminology

2010-06-27T12:26:47-04:00

I’ve found these terms helpful in trying to understand the challenges I face as a parent who has had to wage a legal battle to maintain even marginal custody and visitation rights to my daughter.

Gatekeeper Parent - A parent who obsessively insists on making all decisions regarding their child or children
Parental Alienation - A form of child abuse where a parent uses their child or children as a weapon to hurt the other parent by denying them visitation or custody
Hostile Aggressive Parenting - Similar to Parental Alienation, another form child abuse where a parent uses their child or children as a weapon to hurt the other parent, by interfering with their relationship(s) with their child or children, by various means, such as forcing the child or children to change their surname
Unilateral Divorce - When one parent decides they want a divorce without having any legal basis for doing so

Fatherhood Research

2010-06-17T14:22:39-04:00

Do you recognize the importance of fathers in families? If not, please read up on the research that proves we are important:

The Father Factor: Facts of Fatherhood

Father Fiction

2010-06-17T14:18:46-04:00

My sister told me that the Diane Rehm Show had a story about fathers today. I haven’t had a chance to listen to it yet, but I plan to, so I’m bookmarking it here:

Father Fiction

About This Site

2010-04-25T17:27:00-04:00

This site is run by a proud father of a little girl. When my daughter was less than one year old, her mother asked for a divorce and soon began preventing my daughter and I from seeing one another.

This was and still is very troubling to me because I am a very dedicated father. When I was a teenager, I witnessed my own father pass away shortly after his second wife gave birth to a little girl. I missed my father very much, but I felt sad that my half-sister would never know her father. Perhaps that is why I am so thankful that I am able to nurture, teach, and support my daughter as she grows. I am still shocked that it was so easy to prevent me from doing so.

I spent a lot of money for legal advice and assistance and was eventually able to restore my parental rights. This awful experience has led me to believe that the family court system leaves much to be desired. More specifically, based upon my experience and upon stories from other fathers, the family court system is fundamentally biased against father’s and is structured in such a way that there is little to no recourse for any injustices, large or small, committed against families in general.

I’m hopeful that my story and the entries I make on this blog will be of other fathers facing similar challenges, those fighting for father’s rights, and to those researching the topic

Caillou

2010-04-23T02:07:48-04:00

Caillou is a great show! My daughter loves it, and so do I. I like it for a couple of reasons:

Meaningful shows
Family oriented
The dad gets a decent billing in the show

For those who are unfamiliar with Caillou, its a cartoon produced by PBS Kids about a little toddler named Caillou and his family.

http://pbskids.org/caillou/

Rights of Unmarried Fathers

2010-04-21T15:56:35-04:00

Ever wondered about what parental rights unmarried fathers have for their unborn and newborn children? Ever wondered if those rights are protected by United States law?

Take a look at the case of Baby Emma.

In a nutshell, Emma’s mother put her up for adoption in Utah without her father’s consent. He wants to see his daughter, Virginia courts have charged the adoptive parents with abduction, but the Utah courts have granted custody to the adoptive parents.

What do you think would happen if the federal government would finally step in an create a standard, fair law ordering the rebuttable presumption of 50/50 shared parenting?

I’d like to hear your thoughts on the matter so please use the comment box below!

Not Sure About Henry P. David

2010-01-16T21:30:37-05:00

The research done by Henry P. David has been put forth by some media outlets as sounding official but I would not be surprised if the public is extremely skeptical.

International Custody Disputes

2009-12-16T14:56:42-05:00

I just read an article about a family whose mother traveled from New Jersey with her son five years ago. She was supposed to return two weeks later, but instead stayed there with the boy and divorced the father.

Last year, the mother died in childbirth, and her husband has been trying to retain custody.

While I don’t know the full details of the story, its awful to think that someone would kidnap a child in this way at all, and worse - get away with it for so long.

The Burnett’s on Super Nanny

2009-11-11T16:21:18-05:00

I’m on the last DVD of the first season of Super Nanny, and I’m really impressed with the Burnett family, but maybe I’m biased.

Even with all their kids (two sets of twins and another) they actually managed pretty well. In the first sentence I said I might be biased because to a certain degree I was and am a stay-at-home dad who also runs his own business.

I can’t imagine how challenging life would be with five children!

What I found especially interesting about this episode was the mother’s aversion to outside help in rearing children. I share that sentiment. My daughter’s mother has hired an au pair and has enrolled our daughter in day care while out daughter visits with her. When I have custody of our daughter, I choose to rear her myself.

The Super Nanny DVDs are really helpful to me. Today my daughter and I went to Michael’s to buy a posterboard so we could draw up a large schedule to post on the wall. We also bought some stickers so my daughter could decorate it. :-)

Baby Einstein Discovery Cards

2009-11-05T18:32:47-05:00

My mother bought my daughter some “Baby Einstein Discovery Cards” the last time we went to visit her. The “Baby Einstein: Numbers and Shapes Discovery Cards” to be specific.

At first glance they looked unimpressive and boring to me, but my sister who has two daughters remarked at how nice they were - the pictures were clear and colorful, the cards were laminated, and the subjects were appropriate to my daughter’s age.

I took note of my sister’s remarks towards the cards as she has an uncanny knack for recognizing good products, as well as an impressive understanding of children and what they find interesting and engaging.

I guess the mental note I made didn’t sink in too well! Maybe it was all the running around during our visit, but I managed to forget the cards. Nevertheless, “Mimi” mailed the cards to us the following week and everyday since then my daughter digs them out of “Toy Mountain” and insists we go through them.

Honestly, I think these cards are good for us both. It gives her a structured, lighthearted little lesson in shapes, colors, numbers and objects. For me, it provides an interesting perspective on my daughter’s current, and rapidly evolving, comprehension of these concepts.

Its easy to rejoice at how quickly she picks up on things these days and assume that she understands colors and numbers because she can them repeat them after me. As we go through the cards, I remember that she’s very much still a toddler. I smile, glad to be a part of this wonderful stage in her life, and she smiles back. :-)

So yes, I plan on buying more of these cards for my little one! Kudos, Baby Einstein!

Gender Biases

2009-09-29T13:40:18-04:00

I just posted this as a comment to a blog post which raises awareness about gender biases in free and open source software pursuits:

I’m a free software developer, and I applaud you for taking a mature and firm stance on this matter. I too find gender biases destructive, demeaning, and saddening.

I grew up surrounded by strong and successful women and never thought twice that their gender could ever hinder their achievements. Over many discussions, I learned that the greatest hurdle my female relatives encounter is gender bias in the workplace. Even if it not meant with disrespect or ill-will, it is not right and it is not acceptable.

The significance of gender bias struck home for me over the past year and a half when I became a father. My daughter’s mother is a successful physician and because of my flexible employment, I chose to become the primary caretaker of our daughter rather than sign her up for full-time daycare. I was shocked and disheartened by the attitudes of nearly everyone I talked to about what role fathers’ have as parents, let alone those who said I couldn’t or shouldn’t be the primary caretaker for my daughter.

I bring this up not to hijack the thread topic but because I have found a perspective on the matter which I have found helpful. It may relate to womens’ role in the workplace and technical pursuits and so I will share it in the hopes that others find it helpful too: I see gender bias as one of the many unfortunate side-effects brought about during the rapid development of our civilized society - a side-effect which ultimately serves no purpose and can most definitely be countered.

To counter this side effect, it is absolutely necessary to call people out when they reveal what I might consider “bugs of consciousness”. Just as it is important to report bugs upstream, its important to let people know when their ignorant behavior and/or statements are unfounded, damaging, and disrespectful.

Parental Love

2009-09-17T00:13:57-04:00

I’ve only skimmed this article so far, but it seems very interesting to me. I definitely want to read it more in depth, so I’m “bookmarking” it here:

When a Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do as I Say’

Before I finished this post, I couldn’t help but read more into the article.

The article explores the pros and cons of parenting techniques which involve praising, rewarding, or attending to children based upon their behavior. In a nutshell: when they behave well, praise them, when they don’t - discipline them.

About halfway through the article I found myself giving up on it though - is child rearing a science? Can it be improved by control and experimental groups? I don’t know the answer to that - but I’ll share with you the approach I’m currently employing as a father.

My Experience as a Son and a Father

First off, I do know that I unconditionally love my daughter, as well as my parents, and my sisters too. Do I let them know how their behavior makes me feel? Of course, that is part of my definition of love - honesty. Do I take into consideration their age? Of course! My mother and sisters are adults, like me, and my daughter, on the other hand, is a toddler as of the time of this writing.

With my daughter, I simply leverage on my tone of voice. If she is getting into something she shouldn’t be, like say trying to open up the trash can, I say her name in a lower tone of voice.

If she and I connect on a simple level - like when I’m holding her and I give her a piece of mail to drop in the mailbox. If she expresses to me she understands whats happening by saying “all done” when the letter disappears into the big blue box, I say in an excited, higher pitched tone “that’s right - all done!” to express to her that her comprehension of the situation at hand is in harmony with my understanding of the situation.

As she grows, I will express to her my feelings about her actions and behavior. This, again, is honesty, not premeditated manipulation. My expressions will evolve from a tone of voice to, I hope, intellectual conversation.

There were times when I was at odds with my parents. My biological father had a child while he was nearing the end of his life due to a morphogenetic heart defect. At the time I found and still to this day I find his behavior to have been irresponsible. Because I loved him, I let him know this.

Conversely, when I dropped out of college, my mother expressed grave concern about my actions. It took me awhile to put it in perspective, but I finally came to the conclusion that she was expressing this concern because she felt my actions were self-detrimental. I knew I loved my mother and I had a choice - I could:

Figure out some way to effectively express to her that dropping out of school was actually a good idea
Ignore her, feel guilty, and miss out on a positive relationship with her
Go back to school

I opted for the latter option and I went back and finished my college studies. To this day, I’m grateful for her being honest with me about her feelings towards my actions.

Now that I’m a little more mature, I still do things that my parents don’t always approve of. My late-stepfather and I became very close over the past few years, and he would often tell me I spent too much time at my computer.

This discouraged me, because I really love working with computers. As mature adults, I felt comfortable being honest with him. I told him that if I didn’t work with computers as much as I did, I wouldn’t be fulfilling my aspirations. In response to this, my stepfather could only encourage me to follow my dreams.

So a little rambling here, but as you might guess family is important to me and I take to heart the sometimes subtle, sometimes heated interactions which I have been lucky enough to play a role.

I can only hope that I will be able to honestly express the love and care I have for my daughter during the brief time we share upon this earth, so that she may be inspired to do the same to those she feels similarly.

Lessons from Super Nanny

2009-08-17T21:58:32-04:00

I just watched a Super Nanny DVD from Netflix:

A schedule is very important. The nanny makes a schedule and posts it on the refrigerator. The schedule gives the children something to look forward to and helps to avoid boredom. My sister always has a ton of activities lined up for her daughter and it has been very good for them both.
With discipline, setup a naughty chair or naughty mat, and consistently give bad behavior one warning, and then send the child to the naughty spot if they don’t act up. Its important to give one warning and not just send the child to the naughty spot. Its also important to make sure to send them to the naughty spot if the warning didn’t work.
There are actually many important steps in the discipline process:

Crouch down to the child’s level and look them in the eye when disciplining them.
Leave them in the naughty spot for one minute for each year of the child’s age.
When the naughty timeout is over, explain to the child why they were sent there, tell them to apologize for their bad behavior.

Vocal tone is very important. I’d learned this in some sales training sessions previously, and it is amazing how children innately respond to tone as well. Speaking of which, Super Nanny uses some great techniques with the parents as well. For example, when reviewing the parents’ parenting methods, she first praises them, then focuses on what needs improvement.
Consistency, consistency, and more consistency!
Along with discipline, children deserve encouragement in their efforts and praise for their achievements.

For some reason, the DVD quality isn’t that hot though. When it pans or zooms, the image appears staggered. I’m not sure if its the DVD or the DVD player - I use MediaPlayer from Windows Vista, which I’m not too crazy about.

Italy Illegally Holding Child

2009-08-16T08:19:20-04:00

This story is so heartbreaking! An Italian citizen mother kidnapped her son who is a US citizen and fled to Italy. Shortly thereafter, the Italian government found her unfit and put the boy in an orphanage!

All this time, the father has been trying to regain custody of his son. How horrible!

American Boy Kidnapped by Mother Living in Orphanage While Father Fights Italian Authorities for Custody

Childless Man Jailed for Not Paying Child Support

2009-08-12T14:58:41-04:00

This is despicable: childless man released from child support debt.

In my humble opinion, the state should not only release him from debt, but also pay back the money he paid to them, as well as pay him restitution for incarcerating him.

The store at CNN falls short though. It names the judge who released him from the debt, but not the one who ordered him incarcerated. Could this be a situation where the judge owns a state in the jail where the inmate is sent?

How does it make sense to incarcerate someone for non-payment to the state, especially when they simply don’t have the money? It will undoubtedly end up costing the state more money.