I’ve only skimmed this article so far, but it seems very interesting to me. I definitely want to read it more in depth, so I’m “bookmarking” it here:

When a Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do as I Say’

Before I finished this post, I couldn’t help but read more into the article.

The article explores the pros and cons of parenting techniques which involve praising, rewarding, or attending to children based upon their behavior. In a nutshell: when they behave well, praise them, when they don’t - discipline them.

About halfway through the article I found myself giving up on it though - is child rearing a science? Can it be improved by control and experimental groups? I don’t know the answer to that - but I’ll share with you the approach I’m currently employing as a father.

My Experience as a Son and a Father

First off, I do know that I unconditionally love my daughter, as well as my parents, and my sisters too. Do I let them know how their behavior makes me feel? Of course, that is part of my definition of love - honesty. Do I take into consideration their age? Of course! My mother and sisters are adults, like me, and my daughter, on the other hand, is a toddler as of the time of this writing.

With my daughter, I simply leverage on my tone of voice. If she is getting into something she shouldn’t be, like say trying to open up the trash can, I say her name in a lower tone of voice.

If she and I connect on a simple level - like when I’m holding her and I give her a piece of mail to drop in the mailbox. If she expresses to me she understands whats happening by saying “all done” when the letter disappears into the big blue box, I say in an excited, higher pitched tone “that’s right - all done!” to express to her that her comprehension of the situation at hand is in harmony with my understanding of the situation.

As she grows, I will express to her my feelings about her actions and behavior. This, again, is honesty, not premeditated manipulation. My expressions will evolve from a tone of voice to, I hope, intellectual conversation.

There were times when I was at odds with my parents. My biological father had a child while he was nearing the end of his life due to a morphogenetic heart defect. At the time I found and still to this day I find his behavior to have been irresponsible. Because I loved him, I let him know this.

Conversely, when I dropped out of college, my mother expressed grave concern about my actions. It took me awhile to put it in perspective, but I finally came to the conclusion that she was expressing this concern because she felt my actions were self-detrimental. I knew I loved my mother and I had a choice - I could:

• Figure out some way to effectively express to her that dropping out of school was actually a good idea
• Ignore her, feel guilty, and miss out on a positive relationship with her
• Go back to school

I opted for the latter option and I went back and finished my college studies. To this day, I’m grateful for her being honest with me about her feelings towards my actions.

Now that I’m a little more mature, I still do things that my parents don’t always approve of. My late-stepfather and I became very close over the past few years, and he would often tell me I spent too much time at my computer.

This discouraged me, because I really love working with computers. As mature adults, I felt comfortable being honest with him. I told him that if I didn’t work with computers as much as I did, I wouldn’t be fulfilling my aspirations. In response to this, my stepfather could only encourage me to follow my dreams.

So a little rambling here, but as you might guess family is important to me and I take to heart the sometimes subtle, sometimes heated interactions which I have been lucky enough to play a role.

I can only hope that I will be able to honestly express the love and care I have for my daughter during the brief time we share upon this earth, so that she may be inspired to do the same to those she feels similarly.